Actions speak louder than words and why everyone needs a dog

How do you know your dog cares about you? By the way it acts. Humans are no different. They may have recourse to words but the true indicator is how they act towards you.

Relationships change slowly and it is not necessarily anyone's fault, because people change for all sorts of reasons, often without their knowing, or being aware, because of circumstance and experiences, but, the first signs in your relationship with someone else that they are beginning to care less about you, will come from their actions.

It can be hard to recognise the small 'signs' that a relationship is changing and deteriorating, but they will always be there. If there are more and more actions which send a message of 'not really caring' about you, then the relationship will continue to deteriorate.

No matter how many excuses or allowances you make for them or what is going on in their life, or tell yourself it will pass, it will be the actions which indicate the direction the relationship is taking.

The 'death by a thousand cuts' which is so common in relationships is why marriages fail after decades; friendships fall apart after decades and relationships with parents, children or even siblings, suddenly fall in a heap. People stop caring about you for all sorts of reasons and as often as not it may have nothing to do with you, or who you are or what you have done. It just happens.

But as sudden as it may appear, it was not really sudden and when people look back they can often identify when things began to change and the actions did not echo the words nor indicate a relationship of real love and deep caring. But by then it is too late. Years have passed, sometimes decades, where things that should have been said have not been said; where behaviour which should not have been accepted has been accepted; where issues which demanded attention have been swept under the rug, and then they find themselves in the wreckage of a relationship.

That is not to say relationships cannot be rebuilt and when they are they are better, stronger, deeper and more soulful than they have ever been. But many relationships cannot and one can only wonder if awareness had been present earlier and courage found sooner, if more relationships could have been saved before they ended in tears.

Which no doubt is why so many people keep dogs as pets and come to love them in such a deep way, because dogs never fail in showing you they care. Dogs do not change as humans do. They are constant. They will never let you down, find you wanting, change their minds, see another human they love better, judge you, criticise you, condemn you or just fall out of love with you because they are tired, troubled, unwell or sick of this life.

I like the thought that dog backwards is god and since what I call god is absolute love I think we have dogs in our lives to love and support us when others do not. It is not that I am such a dog person although I do like them,  have have loved a few in my time, but I prefer not to have them living inside my house.

Bringing dogs into a pondering of relationship is because I can see the lesson they provide for us. All that unconditional love is a very precious thing given the frailties of human nature and this unpredictable world in which we live.

Walking a mile in life's shoes

The maxim, ‘walk a mile in the others shoes,’ sounds simplistic but it just reflects the reality that the theoretical may be insightful and important but it will never replace the experiential.

So many things happen in life and so many things pull us toward forming some sort of opinion, some more inclined by nature than others, but everyone does it.

There are the opinions sourced in the theoretical, the foundation of many of the greatest advances in human existence, both at the general and the individual, whether it involves raising children, slavery or the movement of the planets, and then there are opinions sourced in the experiential. The latter will always be the most substantive.

Science at its best works on the basis of opinions formed through theory which are then subjected to the experiential. Religion at its best does the same. Life does it automatically.

It becomes clear, well, to me anyway, that the reason life contains so much in the way of experience, more for some than for others, is that true understanding can only ever come from experience. In other words, you can know all there is to know and think for a thousand years about something, but until you experience it at a physical, psychological, emotional, sometimes spiritual and always circumstantial level where all of the senses are in play, you can never really understand it or the person who has had the experience.

It is one thing to think about something and another to experience it, to feel it in your own unique way. I have changed my mind about a couple of things in recent years where I did not understand someone’s situation and felt accountability was equally shared or not enough effort was made, only to find myself in the same sorts of situations and to realise that is not always the case.

Few would argue that a cricket coach who knew every shred of theory and had plenty of his own but had never played the game could be as effective or as knowledgeable as one who had both theory and experience. Few would argue that a doctor who knew all of the theory but who had never practised could be as qualified as one who had done both.

Nothing beats experience and in fact if you had to sacrifice theory for experience you would make a wise choice. But mostly we don’t And the fact is, there are many things we will never experience and many things we would never want to experience. And that should not stop us thinking about them or forming opinions, but it should make us think twice when we share those opinions with someone who has had the experience.

No-one who has not given birth can ever understand the experience of giving birth and that means all men and many women. No-one who has never been divorced can really understand what it is like. No-one who has never faced the decision of an abortion, and that means all men and many women, can ever understand that experience.

 No-one who has never experienced depression, anxiety or the death of someone they love deeply, or the loss of someone they love deeply for other reasons, will ever be able to truly understand what it feels like. It is just not possible. You can read all you want about anything or any place in the world, but until you are physically there, emotionally and psychologically exposed, you will never be able to know what it is like, whether it is India or Anxiety; Poverty or Wealth; Depression or Disability, and therein lies something which needs to be appreciated.

In other words, the lesson which has come to me in recent years is, if you have not had a particular experience then form your opinions cautiously and leave them open, recognising that those who had had the particular experience will always know more than you can, however insightful your opinions and theories may be.

And on the other side, have compassion for those who have not experienced what you have if and when you try to explain to them what you have been through, because without the same or similar experience, they will never be able to truly understand.

That is just the nature of things. The other important lesson is that even when you experience something it does not mean that your experience is exactly the same as someone else. We are all unique.

What it does mean though is that the more we experience in life the more we deepen our capacity to understand ourselves and others. Particularly with experiences which are painful, for they dig deeper than any into the depths of heart and mind.
No experience is wasted. Value them all and weigh them carefully with your theories.