Mistaking self-obsession for self-awareness....

There is a view that Asperger's Syndrome is more common in these times. Perhaps the real syndrome is people who are so self-obsessed that they are incapable of taking the feelings of others into account - the me now, my needs, my wants 'syndrome' where old-fashioned courtesy, consideration, not to mention kindness goes out of the window.

Good heavens, do something which I don't find convenient or which does not give me 'warm fluffies' or 'meet my needs,' or which intrudes on the boundaries I use to control my world? Heavens above, what are you thinking? Perhaps it is only when people who live this way find that their children grow up to treat them this way, they will realise there was and is a reason for 'old-fashioned' courtesy, respect and 'doing the right thing.'

As that song went about a father who was too busy for his son and when he had time for his son, his son had none for him. The most powerful messages a child receives are non-verbal. If you don't take the feelings of others into account then the child when grown will not. If you are not courteous and kind then your children will not be. If you only do what 'suits you' and 'works for you' then so will your children. You will reap what you sow so be careful of which seeds you select.

What you give out is what you get back and what you do unto others will be done unto you. What a pity that so many, perhaps particularly in this age, lack self-awareness - or rather, mistake self-obsession and self-focus for self-awareness.

The difference is simple. Self-obsession leaves no room for anyone but Self; self focus leaves little room for anyone but Self and Self-awareness leaves a lot of room for others and their needs and allows the individual to know why they do what they do and say what they say and to take responsibility for everything that happens.

A child when grown may, as adult, go through these times but they will not be the character of the person and they will get to the other side. A child when brought up this way will have its character made by it and is unlikely to become anything other. Perhaps that is an often overlooked demonstration of karma at work.

http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/syndrome-of-our-times-20130325-2goq3.html

What exactly do same-sex couples want

Maybe I have not followed the issue closely enough but given the proliferation of posts regarding same-sex marriage rights, perhaps someone can articulate exactly what is meant by this.

My understanding was that most if not all developed nations, including the US, had allowed civil union marriages for more than a decade and same-sex couples in de-facto relationships had the same rights in law as any de-facto couple.

So is this or is this not the case? From any research I have done it seems to be the case, but perhaps I have not been thorough enough. If it is not the case then I can understand but if it is the case, and from what I can see it is, then what is the issue about? What do same-sex couples want? Is it the right to be married in a church, mosque, synagogue or temple?  If it is then they are probably pushing for something which has as much chance of happening as all sporting codes being required to admit either sex as players.

And while one may disagree with much about religion, and I do, surely they have a right to decide what their beliefs are and people may choose whether or not to become a member of that religion. In reality, no-one has the freedom to choose to be married in any religion unless they fit certain criteria.

I would love to see a clear articulation of exactly what it is same-sex couples want as opposed to 'fluffy' posts and images presenting it as a human right.

Personally, if religions can be forced to change their teachings to force same-sex marriage through, I would have thought a more important issue to be forced through was gender equality!

Remaining gracious in the face of rudeness

It is hard to remain gracious when people do things which are insensitive at best and unkind at worst but perhaps therein lies the lesson - learning to resist being pulled down to the same base level and remaining compassionate in the face of rudeness and sometimes, cruelty.

It's easy to do the right thing when people are nice to you and  act with consideration and courtesy, and so much harder when they are not.... but therein lies the spiritual path which lives love and doesn't just talk about it.

It is a practice which is important not just with those who play a major part in your life, but with everyone you meet. It's a spiritual workout where your 'love muscles' will just grow stronger. Although it will probably take years of practice.

I read the following story a long time ago and have just found it:

There was once a newspaper vendor who had a rude customer. Every morning, the Customer would walk by, refuse to return the greeting, grab the paper off the shelf and throw the money at the vendor. The vendor would pick up the money, smile politely and say, Thank you, Sir. One day, the vendors assistant asked him, Why are you always so polite with him when he is so rude to you? Why don't you throw the newspaper at him when he comes back tomorrow? The vendor smiled and replied, He can't help being rude and I can't help being polite. Why should I let his rude behavior dictate my politeness?

Stay and do the work

Removing ourselves from what we call negative or that which causes pain or makes us feel uncomfortable will achieve nothing unless we have done the inner work.

The same lesson will simply present itself in similar form in another person, house, job, city, country or circumstance.

At a physiological level 'pain' is a signal that we need to take action and it is no different when the pain is emotional or psychological. Seeking to merely remove the symptom of pain, whether physical or mental, will simply drive the 'cause' deeper.

Do the work which will enable you to reach a place of balance and then move on to the new person or circumstance. That way you will 'travel' freely, with no baggage and no demons to project onto new people or situations.

We can't always walk away and we can't always be happy .....

It is interesting reading some of the spiritual posts which go up and I like many of them but equally, sometimes they just sound trite and unrealistic.

One suggests that we should respect ourselves enough to walk away from that which does not serve us, does not help us grow and does not make us happy. The reality is that if we did we would spend our whole lives walking away.

Surely if one could walk away from anything then we would but often we cannot and it has nothing to do with a lack of respect - it is just the way it is! We can have difficult situations with our children for example and we may find it impossible to believe it serves us, let alone grows us, feeling crushed as one can and it certainly does not make us happy but we would never walk away.... and should never walk away.

Equally with parents who are deserving of our honouring no matter how hard it might be to remain in a relationship; or our siblings whom we have chosen to be with in this life; or our close friends whom we have known for many years and who, because of what is going on in their lives, no longer 'serve' us, although my question is, who says they should ?

And what does it mean to say that someone or something 'grows us' that we can define  as growth anyway? How would we know what is growing us and what is not given that often it is only when we look back over many years that we can see that difficult situations were in fact just what we needed and the best thing for us? The difficult people and situations are our greatest teachers so says another spiritual maxim.

And then there is the illusion of what makes us happy, when often, what makes us happy or makes us feel happy or think we are happy is the worst thing for us. Ask anyone who is addicted to drugs, drink, sex, work, exercise, food.....

If we are in an abusive relationship there is good reason to walk away but generally such relationships are long lasting and the decision to walk away comes very late in the piece. One could argue that if a woman does not walk away the first time her partner is physically violent toward her then she is accepting the situation and the problem is as much hers as his. Obviously it is not always easy to walk away and that is also the point. There are many things which don't 'serve' us, which are painful, which make us desperately unhappy and we feel we cannot walk away just yet, perhaps never. If we do walk away from an abusive relationship for instance then we still need to remember we cannot walk away from the part of us which got us there in the first place and kept us there; in other words we have to do the painful work or we will just put ourselves in the same situation again.

We may not always get what we want but we always get what we need. Sometimes we have no way of knowing what serves us until many years later; sometimes what grows us the most is pain and courage and suffering; sometimes what makes us happy is the most destructive thing.... ask any drug addict ..... life is what it is and sometimes we cannot walk away and if we do, life just presents us with the same lesson in different form.

If you run from your demons they will follow; turn and face them and they dissolve.

Never drink on a full heart

Image: Repairing with gold adds opulence to beauty

Cracks in this earthenware bowl were filled with lacquer, and then gold powder was sprinkled on the lacquer before it dried. This technique is called kin-zukuroi (repairing with gold). The artisan, Hon’ami Koetsu (1558-1637), intended the repaired part to represent water flowing from melting snow. (Akaraku ware tea bowl, named Seppo. Property of Hatakeyama Memorial Museum of Fine Art)

Sometimes when life is painful thinking about others who are worse off just makes you feel worse - my 12 year old son first told me that.

 Sometimes when life is painful believing it is a lesson you have chosen in this life just makes you feel worse. I learned that myself.

Sometimes when life is painful all the spiritual mantras ring hollow and make you want to vomit.

Sometimes when life is painful all you can do is feel the pain and wait for it to pass knowing it will and 'shit happens' and loving people means you will hurt sometime or another and there is really nothing you can do about it.

Sometimes when life is painful, after you have felt the feelings - never drink on a full heart - the only comfort is God's gift of a stiff gin or large glass of wine at the end of the day.  Or maybe two stiff gins or three glasses of wine!

Communication and the Wall of Silence.....

Photo: Oil on Canvas, Paddocks and Dark Sky, Roslyn Ross, 2013.

Communication is a core component of connection. As human beings we are designed to communicate and to connect. Connection is the instrument of Love.

This world and everything in it is part of a process of connection. I have come to believe that what we call Love is a greater form of connection. What we call God is the ultimate form of connection. Love in its greatest form is the ultimate in connection and is therefore God.

As human beings we have more ways to 'connect' than do many other forms of life. we are given the gift of words which may be used in speech or in writing. Research shows that people who 'connect' in relationship and society are healthier; psychologically, physiologically, emotionally and I would say spiritually.

We are meant to connect. We are drawn to connect; we desire to connect and we are driven to connect because this is the way that we make manifest Love in this world and for those who believe in God, make manifest God in this material world.

Connecting is Soul Work and that is not to say that sometimes we may need to 'separate' from situations or people for a time or perhaps permanently but that we need to know why we are doing it and we need to do it with a level of consideration, courtesy and maturity.

When people choose not to communicate they are severing or limiting connection - they are limiting Love. The only reason to do this is Fear. Many things may be soothed by separation but nothing is ever healed; only Love heals and that means connection and that means communication.


While it seems increasingly common in this internet world to meet with what I have come to call The Wall of Silence, where a communication is sent and not only is there no reply, there is no acknowledgement either. You hit Send, off it goes and there it goes into some deep void or Black Hole of relationship.

I am fully aware that this may be an experience I am likely to have more than many because I am at heart a communicator, I am a writer and I feel I express myself better this way often than with the spoken word, and because I believe in and am driven to open and frank communication, having found it to be the most effective way of maintaining and healing relationship. I have known people, intimately, who would seek to deal with problems with silence and I have learned from experience how, when they find the courage to talk about a situation, how much more readily it is resolved or at least set on a path of healing.

I suspect one notices The Wall of Silence more because communication on the internet is so immediate and there are very few reasons, probably none, why the recipient cannot or should not reply, even if only to acknowledge and request no more communication.

Courtesy demands, or it did once, that when people communicate with us we respond. Well, if we are mature adults we do and if the person who seeks to communicate is someone with whom we have a deep relationship such as a close friend or family member and yet, so many choose to do nothing.......

It is one supposes, a statement in itself, that you write to someone in a bid to discuss something with them and if the topic is personal and important and deserving of some sort of answer, even, 'Thankyou for your note but I really do not feel ready to discuss this,' then you are expecting an answer. To be greeted with silence is no doubt the 'slap' it is intended to be. It feels like a vindictive punishment and yet in essence it is simply terribly rude, not to mention inconsiderate, unfeeling, insensitive and most importantly, unnecessary.

It reflects on the person who has chosen to erect the Wall of Silence to deal with a situation which they feel unable to deal with in a mature way, rather than the sender. To my mind, anyone who writes to me is offering a gift and one which I need to respect if not honour, if I am to maintain any sort of integrity. I may not like what they say but the act itself, of seeking to connect, to explain, to discuss, is one of courage, caring and maturity.

No doubt in times past letters were delivered via what is now called snail mail and they never had a response. But somehow it seems worse, and I believe it is worse, when an email gets the same reaction. It is, after all, so much easier to write something even if it is a two-word acknowledgement such as Thank You. And letters could and did get lost so one could argue, to one's self, that there was a reason for the Silence. Not so with the internet. Emails do not get lost and as often as not, while pondering the yawning vale of silence, it is pretty clear that the recipient is online, is active, is writing and is perfectly capable, or was perfectly capable of responding to what you wrote and chose not to.

I did ask someone once, what the Wall of Silence was about and I got a response that 'not replying' stopped the 'back and forth nature' of such correspondence which was found to be annoying. Back and Forth? Isn't that a conversation? And here was idiot me thinking back and forth was communication, that there was a sharing of thoughts, views, perspectives which hopefully would lead to increased understanding. An understanding which could not exist without the 'back and forth' unless one were psychic! Which most of us are not.

As a mature adult, if I found myself in a situation where I wished to bring a halt to such correspondence I would have written to the 'sender' along the lines of: 'Thank-you for writing as you have. I do appreciate your efforts but I do not feel up to engaging in this discussion at this time. Perhaps I will later or perhaps I will not. But I just want you to know I have 'heard' you and I am listening but have nothing to add.'

What is lost with such a response? To my mind nothing. It is courteous, considered, gracious and deserved. And yet for some people it is just too much. Which really does make one think that the Wall of Silence is meant to be a punishment and that is even sadder for it is incredibly immature at best and in some instances, simply cruel.

I truly believe that keeping open the doors of communication and being prepared to hear or listen, even if we have no wish to respond is crucial to our relationships. It is also the only way to healing and the only way that we can maintain integrity.

I am not talking about instances where people become abusive because that has not been my experience, and is certainly not how I communicate, but even there, if the person is a close friend or a family member, surely the fact that they are communicating in some way means they want or need to connect? And surely that means if we come from a place of Love we should do our very best to hear them - to listen even if we choose not to be drawn into the debate?

Seeking to punish or control others is what the Wall of Silence is about and that can only ever come from a place of Fear. Choose from a place of Love not Fear and while the road may be rocky, the ride tempestuous, it will always be rewarding, fulfilling and the way to resolution and true healing.