Relationships which rely on the written word are problematic

The internet is a new medium and like all things contains the capacity to be both gift and curse.

Aggression is more common in internet exchanges than one finds in the real world and for all sorts of understandable reasons, and in moderation, is no real issue.

However, when it degenerates to a Lord of the Flies scenario, as it can and as is increasingly raised by psychologists,  it is more problematic. What is it about internet interactions which makes aggression so much more common?

It was interesting talking to a friend last night about workplace relationships and the problematic issue of email exchanges which seem to be a lesser version of the internet exchanges but where people misunderstand each other frequently. This is more common when people are not working in the same office and while there may be some personal knowledge, there is not regular contact or physical relationship.

We wondered if there was a 'labelling' going on unconsciously, sourced in the only real information available, which was 'how the person wrote.' We are so used to classifying people on how they dress and often on their accent that it seems human nature to want to 'find a place' for people or to want to have some understanding or knowledge of them even though the label may be completely wrong. If we cannot be in the same room with them and all we have are their words on the screen then that is what we will try to decipher so we can gain some understanding, or control of the relationship.

People who can be articulate and direct in their email communications are often seen as aggressive, we decided, when in fact they are just being articulate and direct. And any impression of aggression equates with a sense of power and the kneejerk reaction is often defensive, if not aggressive and before long, offence is taken.

If this happens at work where people have some knowledge of each other and in families where people have a great deal of knowledge of each other, and it does, then it is hardly surprising it is so much worse on the internet where there is no real knowledge of each other.

For one thing many people hide behind pseudonyms and in that anonymity obviously feel safe to say what they want in anyway that they want. No doubt the insulation provided by anonymity also makes them more reckless and less disciplined in terms of how they behave and this means the unconscious will be more active and projection more common.

But even where people are known to others there can be a tendency for the cryptic 'dig' which is possibly sourced in the fact that it is just so easy to 'have a go' at someone online without having to deal with repercussions in the real world, although that is also likely to be fallacious.

Or is it that many do not appreciate the circumstances in which they relate and understand the courtesies required in the written word which are more important because one does not have access to the senses, nor often, personal information, which allows a better assessment of what someone says and of who someone is?

I am sure after many years as a journalist there is a heightened awareness of the power of the written word and the capacity to misunderstand, misinterpret, misquote and misread what someone is saying in ways that most people without this experience, mostly cannot have. What is written on a public forum has the potential to be a legal document and there can be a fine and often misunderstood line between libel and slander and humour and honesty.

And the majority of people interacting on line have no experience of the power of the written word, nor an appreciation for the need to be considered if not cautious in what you write, how you write and to whom you write and perhaps that is why aggression has become a factor, to lesser and greater degrees, in online communications.

Erring on the side of courtesy and consideration and imputing the best of motives to people when assessing what they have said is wise. And if someone you know has embarrassed you by 'having a dig' publicly then don't get into a brawl in public - raise it with them privately.

And just as we choose our friends, we also need to make considered decisions about sites where we comment because while most are absolutely fine, some have cultures of paranoia and venality which are best avoided.

Any online site, like any club, or organisation is as good as its management. Moderated sites can be intensely annoying because they are often selectively over-moderated but unmoderated sites can be a literal nightmare.

Like anything new there is a strong element of 'winging it' with social networks and online communication and the reason why so many of the more professional sites have Moderators is because without them, conversation would be more likely to degenerate to the most base level.

As someone who believes that words have power at a frequency level, choose your friends, acquaintances and connections carefully online for aggression and unpleasantness are not good environments for anyone.

http://www.wired.co.uk/news/archive/2013-05/30/online-aggression

When honouring turns to worshipping and we raise up false idols.

How easy it is to create false idols! How literal we can be in identifying our false idols or any idols for that matter.

I look at the numerous ceremonies of remembrance for World War One and Two and it seems to me that honouring has morphed into revering and from there to worshipping, in ways which do not honour either their dead or their sacrifice, but which calcify history  and mould it into rigid 'statues' and statutes which are then raised up and worshipped, not because of what they might represent, but for what they are seen to be.

The deification of those who fought in war has turned such events into religious dogma and no doubt this is the source of much of the Judaic and Christian writings - so it begins, in that process toward turning historical events into theology.

The victors, who always get to write history are the 'goodies' and those who lost are the 'baddies,' in such a simplistic and literal sense that projection onto a defined 'other' becomes a given. Nothing happens in a vacuum, not even war and murderous psychopathic tyrants do not appear out of nothing, suddenly, with no past which needs to be understood. The tyrants of this world have always been with us. The tyrants who get most effectively demonised are those who lose wars.

Stalin killed far more people than Hitler did and yet the endless parade of films, books, documentaries, generally presenting Hitler as some sort of  sub-human demon, would have people believe, and no doubt some are ready to believe, that the Second World War happened because someone evil came to power and everyone who fought against him was good. It is not that simple. It was not that simple.

Hitler was as much a creation of Germany at the time as he was of the world at the time and of the world in which he grew up and came to power. Everyone is and when we do not understand those circumstances, or gain the perspective which played a part, we will never understand enough to prevent it happening again.

And that is demonstrably clear. Hitler was not the first and not the worst despite the hyperbole and propaganda that would have it so, but neither, tragically was he the last. More to the point, with its State sanctioned terrorism, the United States, aided and abetted by its sycophantic lackey allies, has, since the end of the Second World War, killed as many if not more people in its militaristic adventures and wars, than Hitler did.

But never let facts get in the way of propaganda or as someone once said: There is no truth in war. But until there is truth in and about war we will never be able to rid ourselves of this scourge. Perhaps it is because deep down, many of us know, that it is all a charade, that we need to glorify our victories in war, sanctify those who fought in our wars, forget the war crimes we carried out - like the bombing of Dresden and dropping the two atomic bombs on Japan - and lose the truth and ourselves in the theatre of what we tell ourselves war was and is about and the fantasy of who we were and what we did in those wars.

War is neither noble nor heroic. There are heroes in war always but they can be found on both sides and in the middle, which is where the civilians live and die and suffer. But war itself is never something to be honoured even if the acts of individuals are deserving of honour - whether they count as enemy or ally, whether they start a war or end it, whether they are what is called 'good' or what is called 'bad.'

In recent decades there has been some appreciation of this fact, but not enough.

For all the poppies crushed under millions of feet for nearly a century; for all the fading footage of our ‘heroic’ soldiers fighting the craven enemy; for all the billions of words spewed forth in honour and rememberance; for all the crass and cloying documentaries and films made of the two world wars; for all the shuffling, aging soldiers dragged out with tears in their eyes and horrors in their minds; for all of the tedious, demonising, eternally repeated stories of the ‘monster’ Hitler and the ‘less than human’ Japanese, and occasionally the ridiculous Italians; for all of the sanctimonious braying into the ‘faces’ of the defeated and all of the knife-twisting into the metaphorical backs of long-gone and mostly dead enemies – nothing has changed!

And I find that shocking. Not only that, when these ‘holier than thou’ ceremonies come round yet again, it is a reminder of how shallow, ego-driven and pointless most of it has been and is.

Yes, yes, I realise it is healthy for those who have fought in wars to process trauma but does it really need such pompous circumstance?

The US president, Barack Obama, spoke in solemn tone about sacrifice and heroes, going on about the 'glories' of D Day when he is responsible for personally selecting targets for drones to drop bombs, which kill  civilians - innocent men, women and children. He and his allies were responsible for the million plus killed in their illegal, immoral and unnecessary wars waged against Iraq and Afghanistan and yet, here he is, droning on, and don't forgive the pun, about the nobility of war.

Am I the only one weary of this egregious hypocrisy?

I wonder how much thought, time and effort would or will go into ‘remembering’ the equivalent events of D Day in US-allied led wars against Vietnam, Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan?
Probably little but then we lost those wars and it is human nature only to want to remember the victories.

I think I am weary of the glorification of the Second and First World Wars where the West gets to be the good guys and the baddies get to be ritually humiliated every year.

And yes, I do know that in more recent times there has been attempt to involve the ‘baddies’- the Germans and Japanese in some of these commemorative events on the basis that things are not really black and white- but in general the political response and the media reaction is a sickly glorification of war and the ‘good guys’ beating the ‘bad guys,’ in some sort of ‘groundhog’ day re-run which achieves nothing. Well, it certainly achieves nothing in terms of us learning that war is a very poor problem-solving mechanism.

I mean it is not as if we have learned anything with all of this remembering. It is not as if there has been less war. It is not as if the dead do not still weep and moan at what is done in their name and what has not been learned.

It is not as if it serves any good or productive purpose. It is not as if it heals.If it healed these old men would not be crying and we would not still be waging war.

Instead it picks again at the most solid of scabs, points fingers of condemnation and encourages that base puffing and preening which better belongs in penguins than in people.

If one applies the basics of psychology, healthy recovery from trauma requires acknowledgment of past suffering and wrongs, but only in realistic terms, free from grandiosity, superiority and victimhood. One does not need to forget but neither does one dwell in the past as these annual events demand with levels of pomp and circumstance which verge on the ridiculous.

Here we are, nearly one hundred years after the end of the First World War and where are we? Has war been rejected as a problem-solving mechanism? No. Quite the opposite. Has the carnage diminished? No, quite the opposite. Have we been able to heal and move on? No, quite the opposite.

Only a fool keeps doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Enough should be enough if nothing has been learned. The world is growing weary of war and some of us are growing even wearier of the glorification of war.

There is no death

There is no death,
just emerging
from material form,
with a shake of damp,
fresh wings of
remembering, and
a smile for the familiar,
the known and what
has always been, and
was, even in the time
of earthly forgetting,
held within the
cocoon of incarnation,
protected by the shell
of Self which caressed
for that brief time,
your eternal Soul.

Change

Why do so many find
change  so hard
and resist beyond
all measure, when
softening, letting go,
releasing, embracing
or just accepting,
can relieve so much pain
and take us further
than we might
ever expect?

Would we rather face
ruin than accept change,
and reject something
new and unknown,
because we fear that
which is not familiar,
and which offers
no illusion of certainty,
to clothe the dark
places which fear so
carefully constructs?

For many the answer
is yes, yes, yes,
until the Fates take
us in hand and no
longer guide us but
drag us, to where
we are meant to be
and where we are
called to be, and
where, the pain of
the strange, unfamiliar
and unknown, will
shape us more clearly,
as the fine-edged
knife of transformation,
is wielded.

If we said yes to
Change, more often
than we said no,
would life be more
of a wonderful
adventure, a journey
through exotic lands,
and places of which
we had never dreamt,
even if sometimes
they are nightmares?

Unless we learn
to say yes, we will
never know.

Journey into cronedom

We live in a youth-dominated age when the years toward the end of material life are seen as less important, if not something to be feared.

In ancient times, all would have been seen as a part of the whole and no age better than any other. Some religions have taught the importance of each of the ages for millenia, dividing a human life into three or four to mark the defining needs and demands of the times.

It is not so much that more people live longer, although that is a prevailing and convenient view to sell modern science/medicine to the world, but that we have forgotten, or never learned, how to live through life's specific ages. And they are specific. What you do in the first thirty years will be different to what you do in the second thirty, and different again in the third thirty and yet again should you get into the fourth and final stage of life.

Each makes demands and offers opportunities for which we need to be prepared. Or rather, for which we will benefit if we are prepared. Knowing how to age involves mostly, knowing how to live, but it also involves coming to terms with the fact that your life will end, sooner, not later, once you enter the third stage and its ages.

While too much time can be spent thinking, when life asks only to be lived, the other reality is that in the Western world we have much more time to think than our ancestors did.

We also have a far greater capacity to make our later years a gift, not just to ourselves but to others. In past generations people generally worked until they dropped and stopped, whether that was for death itself or a lingering until life ended. People did not have the opportunity, both gift and curse, to take the time to think about how best to live life at any point; but now many, perhaps most do.

Why is it so important? I think it is important because in this day and age we have lost so much that would have given us ground on which to stand and guidance on how to move forward. For, move forward we must always, whether it is into more life or into death.

In times past people found purpose in terms of mere survival, extended family, religion, spiritual belief and a deep understanding of the nature, purpose and process of life. Today, far too many of those who have reached Babuo's years, the mature years, spend their time counting out their daily dose of prescribed drugs and counting out their remaining minutes in front of a television set, or counting up the tally of potential fears for there is no doubt that we live in a fear-filled and fear-driven age, particularly when it comes to health and that is a factor which the years can push into sharper focus.

There are exceptions of course but we need more exceptions, for the sake of those who have entered the crone years or who stand on the well-polished step of those years, and for the sake of those following behind. Maturity happens for a reason. A fruit ripens for good reason and a human being 'ripens' for a good reason - both then have the ability to nourish.

There is a belief that people not only can become decrepit as they age, but must become decrepit as they age. That is patently untrue, because if one person is capable of living in robust health well past 100, then it is not a biological given that age must equate with infirmity. Although our profit and fear-driven medical industry would have it so and increasingly the pressure rises, the older one gets. Holding on to common sense and reason and holding out against the health/fear onslaught in society requires not just Bauboesque wisdom, but her strength and sense of humour."

Choosing what you believe becomes even more important in the crone years for this phase of life does not allow the same distractions in which youth can indulge - the belief that many years stretch ahead and all things are possible and life has barely been lived. Few years stretch ahead, less things are possible and life has been mostly lived.

I suspect this reality is why so many reduce their lives to small, manageable moments and circumstances, for it holds the focus on the mundane and too often, the trivial. Age too often means that people retreat into the smallest parts of themselves and the smallest parts of life when with the wealth of experience, knowledge and wisdom they have gathered they should or could be opening into the biggest and greatest parts of themselves.

As crones, and men are also crones because there is no male equivalent of this archetypal figure, for the masculine sage does not equate with Baubo as crone; for the crone is much more down-to-earth, much more like mere mortals and yet more, and much more of who and what we need to be in the later years.As crones we have gathered in that place where the riches of a life long-lived have been stored.

We are at an age and stage where we don't have less to do, we have more to do and we don't have less to offer, we have more to offer. The first question is what is it will you offer? And the second question is what form will this offering take - in other words, what can you do?

But before either question can be asked or answered there is a more important one and that is: Who are you? Know Thyself admonished the Eleusinian Mysteries of which Baubo was an important part and you will not know what or how much you can offer until you know who you are. This does not have to be deep and meaningful and in fact many people know who and what they are by the time they reach the crone years but many do not and even those who do can benefit from asking the question and reminding themselves of just who they are.

And that is where we begin, with the question: Who are you?

Your life is your responsibility

What matters in life is not what others do but what you do.

To varying degrees we have the free will to decide who and what we will be. If others act unkindly, cruelly or without compassion, courtesy and consideration that is about them, not you. Even if you have been instrumental in triggering those responses in them - it is still about them, not you.

How you act is about you and that is your responsibility. We all make mistakes, we are all at times, instruments of pain for others, mostly unconsciously but perhaps consciously at times and no-one is perfect.

Life is short but it does not have to be brutal. Most of us have a choice as to how we behave and how we react or respond to the pain which comes from others.

People are more damaged than evil and more frightened than cruel and at the end of the day it will not be their behaviour which impacts your life, but your own. And, if there is a world beyond this one and your life to ponder, it will be your life and not the life of someone else which needs to be pondered. It will be your words, actions, thoughts and behaviour which impact how well you have lived your life and not what others have done to you.

One theory of the afterlife is that we experience everything as part of a life review and that means all we have thought, done or felt, but, also how others have felt in relationship with us.

It seems far more just and logical than the religious judgement and damnation we have been taught. And it says that each of us will experience all we have been and that means there is never any need for revenge, satisfaction, apologies or redress, because those who hurt you will feel it all.

So remember to smile, to have compassion, to trust the process, to acknowledge the woundedness of others and yourself and in the words of one of the great mystics, Hildergard of Bingen: All is well and all is well and all manner of things are well.

For 'this too will pass' and pain and suffering are as much a matter of perception as reality.

Getting beyond blame

It is human instinct and possibly need to blame someone or something for our pain and suffering. Families very often have one individual who will play 'coat-hanger' for all the robes of grief, loss, hurt and agony that others do not want to wear.

But projecting out onto others, blaming someone else for what is wrong in your life or in your relationship with them does nothing but feed your shadow. Facing unpleasant realities and retrieving your own shadow from their 'hook' is the only way to maturity, inner growth and peace of mind.

Everything and everyone in our lives is a 'mirror' reflecting what is at work. No-one can 'make' us unhappy in the long-term. Anyone can act in ways which hurt deeply and cause unhappiness in the short-term, but it is up to each of us to work with that pain and bring forth something of value.

Sadly, more often than not, we reach for a scapegoat, someone in our life, our family, our work, our world, who is a convenient object of blame.

We tell ourselves all sorts of stories when we have complex relationships with people or when complex relationships develop with people who have long been a part of our lives and who we love.

 'They don't understand me. They don't appreciate me. They don't value me. They are too outspoken.  They don't share with me. They are too selfish, too generous, too anything.... too useful as someone to blame which means it is not my fault, but their fault, and I need do nothing but suffer.'

Some people, generally the courageously frank and foolishly outspoken, will act as 'mirrors' to more people, more often, which is why, they often become the 'hook' on which many projections will be hung.

It equates with the maxim of 'shooting the messenger.' Whatever is mirrored back to us, reflected against and upon us, is a part of us and something we need to process, but such 'mirrors' are often a source of fear because, in the way of myth and fairy tales, they as often as not 'reflect' our shadow; that which we do not know, do not wish to know and would seek to deny.

And so the  'Cassandra' archetypes of this world, those who can often see deeper, farther, wider, often unconsciously and sometimes consciously, who are prepared to 'speak' of what they see, feel, perceive, sense, know, become objects of fear. As 'mirrors' of what has been denied, of what is fearful, of what is rejected, they are garlanded with the dross and dregs and detritus of other people's pain and deemed to be at fault. The problem is draped around their necks and the mirror is, when possible, shattered.

Such 'mirrors' and archetypes are the origin of the label, 'scapegoat,' that sacrificial and symbolic 'creature' which carries the sins of others and dies to set them free. In ancient times it was often a  literal 'goat' which was literally killed, but variations on the theme, both literal and metaphysical, have been with humanity from the beginning.

And of course, this is the origin of what the Christians call Jesus and all the other saviour/redeemer gods throughout history.

It is not that most 'mirrors' are god-like, but that the same sort of energy is at work ... where truth, honesty, reality are reflected back at people who do not want to see and so, instead of facing the reality, driven by fear, it is the messenger, or the mirror, which is attacked.

One could argue that witches, often the healers, shamans, counsellors, guides of their societies, were killed by the hundreds of thousands because they were uncomfortable mirrors and outspoken 'Cassandras' in society.

Many would argue that people who seek to 'remove rugs' under which much has been swept should expect and accept the consequences of any mess that will be found. And this is valid.

 In truth, we all sweep things under our metaphorical rugs and we all deny, repress and drive into the shadows much we do not like about ourselves - the question is how much and how often it is done and whether or not one has the courage to bring into the light, that which has been hidden.

My sense is that while some people are born to be 'rug-lifters' and 'shadow retrievers,' the fact is that some people don't get a choice for life lifts the rug or releases the shadow and then there is no choice but to deal with it. Actually, there is some choice because there are ways of fighting to keep the mess hidden or the shadow denied: through insanity, dysfunctional denial, addiction of any kind and constant distraction. But generally, what is within will become so powerful that it will find a way out and then everyone will need to clear up the mess whether they like it or not.

So often with such work we 'look at the finger pointing at the moon,' instead of putting our focus where it is needed - on the moon.

If someone is an 'irritation' in your life, remember that this is the path to the formation of a pearl, the symbol of the Great Mother and of the eternal, heart-spoken Moon and great beauty can come from the smallest piece of annoying grit!